I just cannot stand how fast my children are growing up. It is truly a desperate time in my house, I am losing it. Instead of relishing in each new growth spurt, every new activity, milestones being reached; I am instead screaming in my head, “No, no, wait!” It is excruciating watching them grow up and away from me. I know, believe me, I know that I sound like a lunatic. Of course I love when they try something new and adventurous, when they go above and beyond my expectations of them, when they are daring and strong. But (there’s always a but), my arms ache to hold them, my lap to rock them, my voice to sing them a lullaby. Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, “She should just have another baby,” well, for one, it is not that easy for some of us to “just have another one” but also because my family is complete. I know that deep in my bones, and I also know that I do not want another baby; I just want my two to slow down!
My boy lost his last baby tooth this past week. The last one! He has no more baby teeth, and that simple fact just catapulted me into this blubbery mess. See, we are so busy, we get so involved in everything, and we end up missing the “last times.” I cannot tell you when I picked my boy up and held him for the last time, but he is almost as tall as I am now and that would be physically impossible at this point. But, there was a time when I picked him up daily, and I cannot recall the last time. My sweet boy used to snuggle in my lap, and while I force him to do it now, it is so different. I love irritating him and covering him with kisses now, as he laughs and pushes me away. His sweet little boy smell now replaced with deodorant, hair that I always suspect he did not actually use shampoo when showering and breath that on a good day may have a hint of toothpaste in it. I do not recall the last time I had to help him tie his shoes, cut up his food, or rub his back because of a nightmare. The last times are gone, poof-just like that you will never do those things again.
My darling girl is the same way; however she still wants me to hold her and we “snuggie” daily. I keep the “last times” in my mind with her (don’t we always do better with the second one)? However, she is growing away from me too. She has her new love of horses, her friends, and has started not letting me hug and kiss her before getting on the bus (sniff, sniff).
Again, I encourage my children to grow and live a full and adventuresome life, but that does not mean that in the back of this mama’s mind and heart that I am not aching for that sweet, chubby little hand to grasp mine walking down the sidewalk, or that delicious little voice asking to “Hold me.” They are only with us for a short time before going out into the world on their own, it’s amazing to me. When they are small you think that you will never have a life of your own again, how wrong we are. They start creating their own little lives the minute they start school, one that you are not necessarily a part of, and while this is to be celebrated, I mourn the loss of the “last times.”